Journeys of Me

Tag: surgery

  • It is now time to post this…

    It is now time to post this…

    I wrote this a few weeks ago because it’s how I process stuff, but it wasn’t the right time to post it. But it is time. I was going to edit it but decided to leave it just how I wrote it!

    It’s taken a while to get here, and even now I’m not quite sure what to write or how to write it. The last couple of months have been difficult, to say the least.

    My surgery went well. Amazingly, I had virtually no pain and was allowed home just two days later. They removed three layers of lymph nodes, so it was a major operation.

    Lachlan was lucky enough to come and pick me up from hospital—more about that later—and I suddenly realised why having surgery closer to home would have been easier (not that I regret my choice of doctors and hospital for a second). It is amazing just how rough the roads feel when you’ve just had surgery, especially with a drain in your side! Ouch!

    The first night home was interesting, mostly because of getting in and out of bed. My bed is quite high and my legs are quite short! Eventually I worked out the best way to manage it and, with a little help, I got comfortable and actually slept surprisingly well.

    Ian hadn’t been feeling well, which was why Lachlan had picked me up from hospital, but he came to see me the day after I got home. He shouldn’t have driven and was told so in no uncertain terms. He wouldn’t stay, but he agreed to let his brother drive him home.

    Over the following week we spoke every day. At the beginning of the week he sounded quite unwell, but by Friday he seemed much more like himself. I remember feeling relieved.

    When we couldn’t contact him over the weekend and he hadn’t been around, we went to his house.

    Sadly, we found that he had passed away.

    To say I was shocked is an understatement. My heart is broken. He was only 41.

    Ian was kind, gentle, caring and loving, with the biggest heart. He was my rock, my listener, my confidant and often my adviser. I was so incredibly proud to be his mother, and I will miss him more than words can ever express.

    The boys and I are taking things one day at a time. Some days, it’s one hour at a time.

    I have also been so fortunate to have amazing friends around me while I continue to recover from surgery. Their support has meant more than they will ever know.

    Since Ian died there has been so much to do. We have cleaned out his house, and there has been the seemingly endless paperwork and notifications that come after someone dies. It can feel overwhelming, so I have learned to tackle just one thing each day.

    My heart is broken beyond words, but I find comfort in imagining Ian reunited with his dad, together again after so many years apart.

    Rest peacefully, my beautiful boy.

    You will be loved and remembered always.

  • The Countdown has Begun.

    The Countdown has Begun.

    Consistency with this blog hasn’t been great – but in my defense, there’s been a bit going on. And I can’t see that consistency improving in the immediate future… but we’ll see.

    Putting that surgery countdown up was confronting. There’s something about seeing an actual number that makes everything feel very real, very quickly.

    The problem with being a nurse is that you know just enough to be dangerous to yourself. You understand the risks, the complications, the “what ifs”… but you don’t always have the comfort of certainty. It’s a strange place to be – somewhere between knowledge and not quite knowing.

    I’m very aware that I’m high risk for surgery, and if I’m honest, I’ve been quite angry at myself for that. But there’s no value in staying there. All I can do now is focus on what I can control and do everything possible to support a good recovery.

    The timing has been an interesting journey in itself. My surgery was originally booked for May 18, then moved to June 3 – which, at the time, felt like a gift. More time to think, to process, to get organised, and to feel ready.

    And then it moved again – forward to May 20.

    My brain hasn’t quite caught up with that yet.

    I had a lovely, well thought out list of everything I wanted to do beforehand. Some of it is done, some of it isn’t, and I’ve had to accept that prioritising is part of this process too.

    It’s interesting where your mind goes at times like this. The things that suddenly feel important aren’t always what you would expect.

    One of mine has been finishing a word doc/book I started some time ago, titled “Gone – but still telling you what to do!” – a title my boys appreciated.

    It’s a collection of everything: health information, finances, practical details, letters, wishes… all the things you don’t think about until you have to. I understood the importance of it before after having lived through John’s passing, but it moved much higher up the priority list.

    There’s a fine line between being prepared and not wanting to face it at all.

    I have had enduring guardianship and power of attorney in place, as appropriate, for years, but I’ve now also completed a formal Advance Care Directive. The boys already know my wishes – but sometimes it’s about making things easier, not just for yourself, but for the people you love.

    Reading this back, it all sounds a bit morbid.

    The reality is – I fully expect to come through surgery, feel pretty awful for a while, frustrate everyone (including myself) because I can’t do what I normally do… and then gradually get strong again.

    And travel.

    In fact, I may have just booked another cruise for March next year – optimistically assuming the compression sleeve will be gone by then – along with the month long cruise already planned from Vancouver to Sydney via Hawaii in October.

    Because if there’s one thing this has done, it’s reminded me – quite clearly – not to keep putting things off. And for me – a major procrastinator – that has been quite a lesson!

    Hearing that ‘C’ word related to yourself, even in its early stages, has a way of sharpening your perspective.

    So I’ve been finishing things. John’s scrapbook album, Mum’s, mine, our travel books—and now I am organising the boys’. There’s something about completing them that feels important, like closing chapters properly.

    And, if I’m honest, scrap booking has also been my escape. It keeps my hands busy and my mind quiet, which is sometimes exactly what I need.

    This blog was always meant to be about my journey – travel, retirement, and whatever else life decides to bring along. It seems that, for now, this is where the journey begins.

    When I retired, I expected change – but I didn’t expect the wave of kindness and friendship that followed. The messages, the support, the people who have reached out and kept in touch – it has meant more than I can say.

    It’s also made me aware of the quieter spaces – those I thought would stay connected who haven’t. And that’s okay. Life moves on for all of us, and I haven’t exactly been reaching out either.

    And to my friends overseas, who I haven’t kept in touch with as well as I should have… I will do better. And we will meet again, in about 18 months.

    Until next time – enjoy your story, wherever it takes you.

    And don’t forget to tell the people you love that you do.