It has been a few weeks since I lost my son Ian, and while I am certainly not ‘over it’, I have found some ways to manage my life and emotions.
First I am concentrating on my health.
It is now about five months since my diagnosis of metastatic melanoma and almost 12 weeks since my surgery to remove three layers of axillary lymph nodes. I had a drain in my side for a total of 10 weeks, including having to have it replaced once.
Now, finally, everything is over and it is time to get back to ‘normal’ — whatever normal looks like now.
Yesterday I got back into the pool for the first time and loved it! Unfortunately, it also helped me realise just how unfit I have become (which is saying something, as I wasn’t exactly fit to start with!).
But the great thing about getting back in the pool is how much it has changed my mindset. I am finally feeling positive and maybe not quite so old! The other huge change, of course, was finally getting that drain out.
So step one is looking at how I can change things physically. My plan is to go to the pool and walk/exercise three times a week. It is good for my knees, great for my arm exercises and, most importantly, it just makes me feel good.
I am also going to start some chair exercises and yoga. I am being realistic about where I am right now. My theory is that it is better to do something — no matter how small — than to do nothing.
Of course, doing all of this makes little difference if I am not eating well, and that is the next step. I hate cooking, but I can put things together :).
So I am going to make up some mince with one of my favourite flavour combinations (turkey and Korma, anyone?), cook some sweet potato and make up bowls for lunch, adding veges, salad, cottage cheese and whatever else feels good.
I love a good smoothie/protein shake for breakfast, and the same basic lunch can become dinner, changing things up every few days. I know myself — if I give myself too many choices, it becomes decision overload and nothing happens lol.
I have also been concentrating on one major task a day and have managed to completely clean out and reorganise my room (very overdue!).
I am still struggling with some things — and admittedly part of it is sheer procrastination! — so I have decided to get a cleaner in to give my house a really good deep clean. Then I can keep it up from there. After not really being able to do much for over three months (and having boys!), my house is definitely not what I want it to be.
So that takes care of my physical health.
The harder part is my mental health.
I go for long periods when I am okay, but then, out of the blue, it all hits and I have ‘a moment’. I am letting myself do that because I know it is part of the grieving process, but I have to admit that I am still feeling pretty angry as well as all the other feelings.
This month was both Ian’s birthday and John’s — my husband’s — birthday, which just added another layer to everything.
It is not helped by the stupidity of bureaucracy.
I decided to get someone to help me sort through Ian’s estate, and I will do another post about this — and about some of the things you can do to make everything just a little less stressful for your family if they ever find themselves in a similar situation.
As just one example, Ian had an account with some money in it (we think) – a travel card. They are requesting a certified copy of his birth certificate to prove the relationship between him and me because there is no Will appointing me as an authorised person.
Despite the death certificate identifying me as Ian’s mother, they have advised that they will not accept this as sufficient evidence of our relationship!
Some days you just have to shake your head.
I feel very fortunate that I love to write. I can sit down and get all those feelings out of my head and, for now, that is kind of what this blog is doing.
Eventually it will go back to its original purpose as a travel-based blog, but this is my journey for now.
And talking about travel, that is also part of the way I am getting through things day by day.
Ian loved to travel. It was something we shared and talked about a lot. He would want me to keep travelling, and I think he would be pleased to know that I am continuing to plan.
I already had a cruise to New Zealand booked with the other two boys before all the health issues, and we will still be doing that in March. Now I will also be taking some of Ian’s ashes back to scatter there. He was born in New Zealand and was a proud Kiwi, so I think he would appreciate that.
I had also already booked a transpacific cruise from Vancouver to Hawaii and then Hawaii to Sydney for next year, so that will still go ahead. I have now added an Alaskan cruise before it, and I will be in the same cabin for all three sections — a total of 37 days.
Planning my travel is another way I deal with the sadness. I often think about what Ian would say or do and laugh, because he knows I would have ignored him anyway if what he said didn’t suit me.
So, naturally, the trip has expanded!
It is not all locked in yet, but the plan is…
South Dakota, to see Mount Rushmore, the Badlands and the surrounding area.
Then I will fly to Boston and spend some time exploring Cape Cod, Nantucket and the area — something I have wanted to do for a very long time.
From there I will travel by train to Philadelphia and join a tour covering Washington, Gettysburg and Amish country, ending in New York City.
I will spend about a week in NYC before heading to Halifax, Nova Scotia in Canada. My father’s family came from Nova Scotia, and I am doing a tour around the Maritimes.
Then comes another long-held wish — a 17-day train trip across Canada, stopping at places including Quebec, Montreal, Niagara Falls, Banff and Lake Louise, with the final two days aboard the Rocky Mountaineer.
After all of that, I have just one day in Vancouver before getting on the ship for Alaska, Hawaii and finally home.
It will be a long trip, although not as long as the one I originally had planned for this year.
I will admit that I am less confident about leaving for that long without Ian here keeping an eye on everything. But the boys have been great, and I know they will step up when needed.
There is a lot more in the planning, but that is for another post.
For now, this is simply an update, a way to keep myself honest about my health and a place to ‘say it out loud’.
I hope you continue to follow along with all my journeys. I am not here to create a huge audience. I am happy if my friends and family can follow my travels and everything else that happens along the way — but feel free to share the link if and when it feels right.
Because, for now, this is part of the journey too.
Until next time, enjoy your story — wherever it takes you.
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