Another Fork in the Road

I wasn’t originally going to write about this, let alone share it publicly, but I’ve decided that perhaps putting it out there is a way of holding myself accountable. And who knows, it might just help someone else along the way.

Seven years ago, I had gastric sleeve surgery.

It worked really well, and I lost over 40 kilos. I was thrilled with the results and, for a while, things were going well.

Then covid happened, work became incredibly busy and stressful, and life, as it so often does, got in the way.

Gradually, over time, the weight crept back on, and here I am, almost back where I started.

I want to be clear about something. I’m not making excuses. I was the one who made the wrong food choices, ate the wrong amounts and, ultimately, didn’t make the most of the opportunity I had been given.

But there were reasons. Circumstances. Life. Whatever you want to call them, they all played a part.

For quite some time now, I’ve been very unhappy with myself.

I had so many plans for retirement. Things I wanted to do, places I wanted to go as well as a chance to concentrate on myself after so many years of putting everything else first.

But, as we all know, life doesn’t always follow the plan.

Instead, this year has brought metastatic melanoma, immunotherapy, surgery, a long recovery and, most devastatingly, the death of my son.

Not quite the retirement I had imagined.

Now, almost five months after surgery, I’m still struggling. I’m constantly tired, have very little energy and find both eating well and exercising much harder than they should be.

And I’m frustrated. Frustrated with how I feel, frustrated with what I can’t do and, if I’m being completely honest, frustrated with myself.

So, during a recent appointment with my GP, I asked about the possibility of revision surgery and was referred back to my original surgeon.

I saw him a few days ago.

I was surprisingly nervous about going back. Probably because I felt I had failed. Perhaps because I thought he would be disappointed that I had regained the weight.

But he was lovely.

Rather than judging me, he commended me for being brave enough to admit that I needed help.

I hadn’t really thought of it that way.

Unfortunately, I don’t have private health insurance, so the cost of surgery and two or three days in hospital will be coming out of my own pocket.

Surprisingly, the cost isn’t a great deal more than it was seven years ago.

BUT — and there is always a but!

Because my BMI is high, there is a possibility that I may need to spend some time in ICU after surgery. That means paying for the additional cost upfront, whether I end up needing it or not. It will be returned if I don’t need ICU.

And, just to complicate things a little more, I also have a gallbladder that needs to come out, which will add to the length of the operation.

So, here I am.

I’m provisionally booked for surgery in mid-December, but I have a big decision to make.

As many of you know, I have a huge trip planned for next year. Several months travelling through the USA and Canada, followed by three cruises bringing me home to Sydney.

It’s a trip I’ve spent countless hours researching, planning and looking forward to. And, as you can imagine, it’s not exactly inexpensive!

Neither is surgery.

And therein lies my dilemma.

If I go ahead with surgery, the financial cost may mean cancelling some, or possibly all, of my trip, especially if I end up needing ICU care.

But if I don’t have the surgery, I’m not sure I’ll physically cope with such a long trip anyway.

So, do I spend the money on surgery in the hope of improving my health and quality of life, or do I take the trip I’ve been dreaming about and hope I can manage physically?

And then there’s the thought of having more surgery so soon after the last one. My oncology and surgical teams are happy for me to proceed, which is reassuring. But that doesn’t mean I’m particularly enthusiastic about another round of hospitals and recovery!

I have about three weeks to make a final decision.

For someone who likes to have everything planned and organised, I’m finding this uncertainty particularly difficult.

I know my health has to come first.

But knowing that doesn’t necessarily make the decision any easier.

Until next time, enjoy your story – wherever it takes you.